Saturday, January 10, 2009


Yeah! I am crazy! A crazy idiot!

I am an idiot because I wasted the whole day for the pain that I let win on my will to study.
I kept having pity of my self for being so "weak" and this made me close my eyes, as always.

I am crazy because while I was writing an endless post with thousands of words that said nothing I realized how to say something i have been wanting to say for 2 weeks or so.
The concept, in my mind, is linked to this picture

that I took in August 2008 during a walk I had with some relatives. There were me, my parents, my aunt and my grandma, we went out to pick some blackberries.
That day was cloudy and annoying, I had taken almost no pictures but when we went out for that (unplanned) walk the sun come out and I had the chance to take some pictures.

This picture recall me some concept that are the main themes of the thought of these last months, of course when I am not too busy with complaining! ;)
Recently I have been thinking a lot about the value of a family and of a "company" and how both are necessary to be happy... and because I have to start from some point my mind picked up to think about family and the movement my family belong.

Indeed, I grown up in a family belonging to a Catholic movement (Comunion and Liberation) and it's clear what importance they, at least theoretically, give to the fact of being a "company".
I guess it is normal that when I was a child that group of people meant "home" for me... but with the passing of the years I couldn't stand most of them anymore, as well as I couldn't stand almost any other human being.

So, I guess it's normal that the last time in my life I felt really at home was in March 2002 while I was being confirmed in the Cathedral of my town.

During the Mass the choir started to sing something. I cannot remember what it was but it called me back while I was getting lost in not really good thought alike:
"Tomorrow I have that annoying Latin test, today it's cold, I am nervous and some "creative guy" had the unhappy idea to make 7 people sit on the same bench... it's symbolical I know, but half of me is sitting on nothing, i am suspends it's so uncomfortable, beside the cathedral is full of people but except my parents no one of them is a friend or a relative of mine.. I feel so..."
the song changed the thought in: "... Wow! COOL! I feel at home, everything is fine!"

The beauty of the singing, the beauty of the place I was being in, the beauty and the importance of what was happening made me find back serenity, and erased from my mind any bad thought. Well, it helped also to see that my religion teacher came for me. She didn't knew me and I didn't have a great esteem of her but she proved I was wrong, she showed me that despite she wasn't able of witty speech she had what is really required to be a great person: A good hearth.

In the following years I forgot all these church-related events, i focused only on my problems and let only some "chat friends" to help me...
I let you imagine my surprise and my pleasure to see that, finally even on that "devilish
web", there were member of that"company" I had missed for years. And I let you imagine that one of them is actually a member of THAT choir that made me feel me at home some years ago.

I still think that I won't feel "at home" as that day anymore, that there is actually no home for me... but, now, at least, I feel a lot of steps closer to that "home" I am looking for...

There is still a lot to say and to do, but it's late, it's better if I go to bed in order to avoid to waste another day, even if I am starting to think that I didn't waste this friday at all, thanks to love and friendship that surrounds me...

...and sorry if I have bothered you.


1 comment:

M1L said...

Who reads this post surely thinks you didn't waste your time.
You are showing to us your feelings about your "home" and it is important because we can understand what your "home" is.

P.S. Sorry for my bad English